So Long, My Luckless Romance/My Back is Turned on You

"Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes"- A Fine Frenzy

Thumbs Up- Spring is on its way!
Thumbs Down- My romance life.


I.Am.Done. This time it's for real. I'm tired of giving little pieces of my heart to guys. Recap since my last post, Nick and I had it out. Formal date is off. I honestly could care less. I've almost gotten to the point where I am completely numb to any feelings or anything heart-wrenching.
Last night, a boy we will call A, came over. Well, he was too drunk to drive home, and I am apparently a nice person now (WTF?!) and let him stay. It's 1:30 in the morning, and I really wanted to sleep. But I CANNOT allow anyone to drive drunk. He told me I was the only person who gave a damn enough about him to care if he made it home or not. So, I was prepared to let him watch my TV and for me to pass back out. A had other plans. We talked. He told me more about his life and asked if I hated him. I said I should, and he said I shouldn't and asked if I would please not hate him. Too late. I really really really want to hate him for leading me on. Look, I know I made a mistake not dating you the first go round. However, A had just broken up with his girlfriend of 5 years. I am NO ONE's rebound. I just didn't know if his feelings were real or if he was just hurt. Oh, they were real. I blamed myself for a long time, but now it's getting to the point where the situation is annoying, and I'm no longer caring.
I've tried. Really. A treats me like his girlfriend, which I'm tired of. You can't have it both ways. I'm just done with this. Done. Done. Done. I have shiz to do with my life, and I'm not going to keep pretending I'm okay with A when I'm not. If he needs to walk out of my life, I hope the door hits his ass on the way out.

Move On Like a Sinner's Prayer

The Day after Valentine's Day report: Still the same.
I have never understood the meaning of this "holiday." First, if you consider this a "holiday" why not put it on a weekday and let me out of school? Instead, I witness men running to the mall at the last minute to find a random gift for their girlfriend/wife/mom whatever. Is that the point? To find a gift, last minute, so you can feel better about this day and so I won't complain too much? Thanks, but no thanks. I see love completely different. Love to me is changing my car oil without me asking and because you know I would appreciate it. Love is helping me box my room so I can move faster. It's pumping my gas so I don't have to get out in the cold. It's opening a door, it's holding my hand, it's forehead kisses. People put so much emphasis on material love. That kind of love is easy to find. The hard part is finding a person who respects, understands, and shares your dreams, beliefs, hopes for the future, and maybe one day, your life. People are in such a hurry to marry and find love because everyone around them claims to be doing so. I would rather wait for the right person to come along. If I don't meet that person until I'm 28, then so be it. By then, I'll be set in my ways so he will never have to worry about change or too much growth. It's a wait I'm willing to make.

I'll Never Talk Again....Oh Boy You've Left Me Speechless

I'm learning more about myself as this year progresses. Finally realizing that I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself has been a life changing growth and development. In the past, I have always wanted to make my entire family happy, and, at the end of the day, it was their opinion that mattered most. WRONG. My opinion matters the most. I have to live with myself at the end of the day. If I don't like that person, then it's my responsibility to pick myself up and move on. I can always change myself if I've grown uncomfortable with who I have become. I've just finally accepted ME, and I happen to think 'me' is a pretty awesome person. So, it sit here thinking about things. Realizing I never finished my most thankful list because, truthfully, I don't know if I'm truly grateful for only 10 things.
Ok, so Tuesday night I went to Derek's fraternity's Christmas party. I spent the most of the night talking to one of his frat brothers and his date. Both are pretty awesome. I think Derek spent most of the time hanging out with his boys and trying to look like the BMOC. I decided it was time to leave after an entire bottle of wine, several cups of rum, and countless shots of Jager. Derek insisted on walking me home. I think I got halfway back to my apartment before I broke down. I told Derek I couldn't just be friends with him. We have never 'just been friends.' So, there I am, standing crying in the middle of a park, drunk and yelling. Great. I'm sure I looked like a basket case. For those of you that don't know, Derek was the first boy I loved after the first time Joey and I broke up really bad. Derek and I haven't spoken in almost 2 years. Randomly, last month, we started texting each other. Then, he asked me to his Christmas party. Even though it was last minute b/c he didn't know if he would get out of his class in time for the party, I still spent time trying to look my best for him.
He was a complete gentleman. He picked me up, came inside the lobby to wait for me, and opened his truck door for me. Somethings every Southern girl appreciates :]. So, standing there in the park, we finally got out everything. We said we loved each other. And I do. I do love him. I don't think we can ever be together. I can't write most of the things we said, but in basic terms, my heart has finally opened itself to fully love again. Derek's heart hasn't reached that point yet. He said he likes having me around as a friend b/c that's all he can do right now. He's afraid if he starts a relationship he's own insecurities will drive us apart.
I wish I could cry. I'm almost thinking it's physically impossible for me. I cried Tuesday night with Derek, but that was b/c I had been drinking. I physically make myself not cry. I see tears as signs of weakness, and I cannot bring myself to cry over anyone. I can't let anyone do that to me. Instead, I'm sitting here listening to sad songs trying to cry over the sadness of the song.
Needless to say: not working.

Building Up, Tearing Down

I haven't made it much of a secret that I really like music. Though I'll listen to it, I can sometimes despise popular songs. They tend to have no meaning and are all cranked out of some magical sound machine I hope to destroy. I like music no one knows, that's random, but always conveys a meaning. Songwriters remind me of being in a city. I know that's weird, but the majestic and touching meanings provide hope for me. The spiritual understanding through the songs can only be paralleled by the feeling I receive every time I see (or am in) a city. The relationship I have with the songwriter (and hopefully the singer) is like our own secret. A song touches a person differently, and I wish I could more accurately describe the feelings behind songs. Especially songs that are epic and life changing.
On the flip side, I listen to people like John Mayer and Kings of Leon, who have recently become popular. In my defense, John Mayer sticks to his blues/country/rock influence with each one of his albums. Battle Studies is no exception. Only into my first full day of listening to his album has led me down a spiritual road. It's beautiful how his lyrics form and flow together, building you up through his lyrics and tearing you down with the pain you feel through his exceptional guitar playing and bluesy singing. Kings of Leon. I listen to their records everyday. Just to point out, I listening to KOL LONG before "Only By the Night." OBTN is an amazing record though. It's melodic, painful, uplifting, and while hurting the listener with each song. They've come a long way since Youth and Young Manhood, but Caleb has continuously push buttons with his lyrics and style of singing.
I'm currently planning my exit out of this town. Officially. The world has something to offer me, and I need to discover what it is. Honestly, I really want to pull a Madonna and live with 10 people in one house in NYC. To just LIVE. Sure, food and money will be scarce, but my HEART will be full.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so trapped.

Thankful #8: The Songwriter and Singer

Things

A generic heading, I agree. Things? What are things? Things are tangible items people feel they need to have. What if you didn't have "things," would you still be the same person? Would you act, dress, talk, sway, dance, move, wish, dream, desire if you didn't have the "things" you loved? Do THINGS make the person? Can you "be" the person you are without THINGS?
I'll dive into my own personality. I dress conservative, I have to match, and I have to feel fierce all at the same time. What kind of person does that make me? Do my clothes and my insistence on dressing to a T define who I am? Without my "things" can I de-value my personality? My clothes are a definition of who I am. BUT they do not DEFINE me. Growing up, I was taught you only get once shot at a first impression. I dress to impress or to intimidate. People see that I dress well and assume I am successful and carry myself a certain way. True. However, there are times when I am not successful and my clothes do not save me. You can put a homeless person in a Gucci suit, but at the end of the day, he or she will still be homeless. People who have tons of money, wearing the most expensive suits can still feel insecure.

My point is this: let your personality shine through your clothes, yet don't let your clothes define who you are. I am confident without my clothes or makeup. I have this confidence because I refuse to let anyone belittle me. Clothes cannot MAKE the person you are. If you truly have the self confidence you wish to shine, LET IT. Clothes are a backup, an enhancement if you will, to who you are. At the end of the day, who you are as a PERSON defines who you are. Just because a person has THINGS does not make he or she a happy person. I would much rather be happy and content with my life then struggle everyday to be an individual trying desperately to prove myself. I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I wish people, and girls in particular, would learn to be good internal people.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle

I Love This Quote

This quote summarizes what I'm feeling and going through right now. When a person looks back and answers a question completely different from the first time, you find inner growth. I'm experiencing a great deal of personal growth at the moment. In the past year, I've burned quite a few bridges. Before, I couldn't let go. What if I needed that person in the future? Suddenly, I realized, it wasn't the reliance on the person I was so dependent on, but the familiarity I was accustomed to became too much to give up. It is hard to move on with life, but it will become a hurtful necessity in the future. Damaging relationships never move in any direction but down. It is an extremely life altering lesson to learn, but one that will have a greater, better.....impact later.