Gravity/It's working against me/Gravity/Oh It Wants to Bring Me Down

This is a line from my favorite John Mayer song. I prefer the live version, all 9 minutes of it. John's sultry voice and amazing guitar skills get me every time.
Yesterday, I ventured to church, where I haven't gone sans mi familia in a long time. I've never particularly been fond of church growing up and even up until recently. I go with my mom when I'm home only because I never wanted her to go alone or with just my sister. However, I've recently begun to actually enjoy church. I think I've finally realized how BLESSED I am. I've complained and been through so many difficult obstacles that I've never sat back and realized I've pulled through each situation. I played the woe is me card for far too long. My life could be a great deal worse, but here I am. Still standing. Each day is a blessing, I have the ability to wake up, function for myself, attend a university, pursue a college degree, have a family, have great friends, and still have some sanity about me. Sure, my life is greatly different than how I pictured it. Yet, I feel I had to make this unexpected journey to find myself and to find purpose. I may still be looking, but firmly believe the hands of God are here to direct me further to wherever He sees me. I just feel a sense of calm and optimism that I let go a LONG time ago.

On a side note, Lent is going well. Not having Coke is probably the worst part. I think I'm having caffeine withdrawals. My head hurts a lot, and I constantly feel I want to hurl. It's been almost a week, so hopefully my body will adjust more by this Wednesday.

Move On Like a Sinner's Prayer

The Day after Valentine's Day report: Still the same.
I have never understood the meaning of this "holiday." First, if you consider this a "holiday" why not put it on a weekday and let me out of school? Instead, I witness men running to the mall at the last minute to find a random gift for their girlfriend/wife/mom whatever. Is that the point? To find a gift, last minute, so you can feel better about this day and so I won't complain too much? Thanks, but no thanks. I see love completely different. Love to me is changing my car oil without me asking and because you know I would appreciate it. Love is helping me box my room so I can move faster. It's pumping my gas so I don't have to get out in the cold. It's opening a door, it's holding my hand, it's forehead kisses. People put so much emphasis on material love. That kind of love is easy to find. The hard part is finding a person who respects, understands, and shares your dreams, beliefs, hopes for the future, and maybe one day, your life. People are in such a hurry to marry and find love because everyone around them claims to be doing so. I would rather wait for the right person to come along. If I don't meet that person until I'm 28, then so be it. By then, I'll be set in my ways so he will never have to worry about change or too much growth. It's a wait I'm willing to make.

I'll Never Talk Again....Oh Boy You've Left Me Speechless

I'm learning more about myself as this year progresses. Finally realizing that I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself has been a life changing growth and development. In the past, I have always wanted to make my entire family happy, and, at the end of the day, it was their opinion that mattered most. WRONG. My opinion matters the most. I have to live with myself at the end of the day. If I don't like that person, then it's my responsibility to pick myself up and move on. I can always change myself if I've grown uncomfortable with who I have become. I've just finally accepted ME, and I happen to think 'me' is a pretty awesome person. So, it sit here thinking about things. Realizing I never finished my most thankful list because, truthfully, I don't know if I'm truly grateful for only 10 things.
Ok, so Tuesday night I went to Derek's fraternity's Christmas party. I spent the most of the night talking to one of his frat brothers and his date. Both are pretty awesome. I think Derek spent most of the time hanging out with his boys and trying to look like the BMOC. I decided it was time to leave after an entire bottle of wine, several cups of rum, and countless shots of Jager. Derek insisted on walking me home. I think I got halfway back to my apartment before I broke down. I told Derek I couldn't just be friends with him. We have never 'just been friends.' So, there I am, standing crying in the middle of a park, drunk and yelling. Great. I'm sure I looked like a basket case. For those of you that don't know, Derek was the first boy I loved after the first time Joey and I broke up really bad. Derek and I haven't spoken in almost 2 years. Randomly, last month, we started texting each other. Then, he asked me to his Christmas party. Even though it was last minute b/c he didn't know if he would get out of his class in time for the party, I still spent time trying to look my best for him.
He was a complete gentleman. He picked me up, came inside the lobby to wait for me, and opened his truck door for me. Somethings every Southern girl appreciates :]. So, standing there in the park, we finally got out everything. We said we loved each other. And I do. I do love him. I don't think we can ever be together. I can't write most of the things we said, but in basic terms, my heart has finally opened itself to fully love again. Derek's heart hasn't reached that point yet. He said he likes having me around as a friend b/c that's all he can do right now. He's afraid if he starts a relationship he's own insecurities will drive us apart.
I wish I could cry. I'm almost thinking it's physically impossible for me. I cried Tuesday night with Derek, but that was b/c I had been drinking. I physically make myself not cry. I see tears as signs of weakness, and I cannot bring myself to cry over anyone. I can't let anyone do that to me. Instead, I'm sitting here listening to sad songs trying to cry over the sadness of the song.
Needless to say: not working.