I'll Never Talk Again....Oh Boy You've Left Me Speechless

I'm learning more about myself as this year progresses. Finally realizing that I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself has been a life changing growth and development. In the past, I have always wanted to make my entire family happy, and, at the end of the day, it was their opinion that mattered most. WRONG. My opinion matters the most. I have to live with myself at the end of the day. If I don't like that person, then it's my responsibility to pick myself up and move on. I can always change myself if I've grown uncomfortable with who I have become. I've just finally accepted ME, and I happen to think 'me' is a pretty awesome person. So, it sit here thinking about things. Realizing I never finished my most thankful list because, truthfully, I don't know if I'm truly grateful for only 10 things.
Ok, so Tuesday night I went to Derek's fraternity's Christmas party. I spent the most of the night talking to one of his frat brothers and his date. Both are pretty awesome. I think Derek spent most of the time hanging out with his boys and trying to look like the BMOC. I decided it was time to leave after an entire bottle of wine, several cups of rum, and countless shots of Jager. Derek insisted on walking me home. I think I got halfway back to my apartment before I broke down. I told Derek I couldn't just be friends with him. We have never 'just been friends.' So, there I am, standing crying in the middle of a park, drunk and yelling. Great. I'm sure I looked like a basket case. For those of you that don't know, Derek was the first boy I loved after the first time Joey and I broke up really bad. Derek and I haven't spoken in almost 2 years. Randomly, last month, we started texting each other. Then, he asked me to his Christmas party. Even though it was last minute b/c he didn't know if he would get out of his class in time for the party, I still spent time trying to look my best for him.
He was a complete gentleman. He picked me up, came inside the lobby to wait for me, and opened his truck door for me. Somethings every Southern girl appreciates :]. So, standing there in the park, we finally got out everything. We said we loved each other. And I do. I do love him. I don't think we can ever be together. I can't write most of the things we said, but in basic terms, my heart has finally opened itself to fully love again. Derek's heart hasn't reached that point yet. He said he likes having me around as a friend b/c that's all he can do right now. He's afraid if he starts a relationship he's own insecurities will drive us apart.
I wish I could cry. I'm almost thinking it's physically impossible for me. I cried Tuesday night with Derek, but that was b/c I had been drinking. I physically make myself not cry. I see tears as signs of weakness, and I cannot bring myself to cry over anyone. I can't let anyone do that to me. Instead, I'm sitting here listening to sad songs trying to cry over the sadness of the song.
Needless to say: not working.